What I allowed people to see was that I had a great job and a great life but what I was hiding was the extreme turmoil and pain I was experiencing every day. 

My inner dialogue, that voice in my head, always degrading me, was so loud and persistent that at times I thought I would go crazy. I couldn’t hide from it or ignore it or make it stop. I felt alone, helpless, and hopeless. I desperately wanted relief from the hurt I was going through. 

It’s like there were two versions of me. There was the successful and pleasant version that everybody saw and then, there was the dark, angry, sad, and scared version that was narrating every moment of my life in a negative way inside my head.

I was faking my confidence and happiness and it was becoming more and more difficult for me to hide how I was really feeling.

I hated who I had become…

I was in an endless cycle of nervousness, shame, blame, and guilt that would keep me up at night. My anxiety and stress levels grew to the point that I became exhausted and irritated from the effort of keeping myself under control. I eventually started to lash out at the people around me.

I would have to apologize for my terrible behavior which would cause more shame and guilt and then the cycle would start all over again. After a time, my apologies and excuses were no longer believable and so, I withdrew.